{"id":913748,"date":"2026-06-18T18:12:33","date_gmt":"2026-06-18T23:12:33","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/newsycanuse.com\/index.php\/2026\/06\/18\/my-husband-and-i-are-both-saving-for-the-future-but-hes-obsessed-with-it\/"},"modified":"2026-06-18T18:12:33","modified_gmt":"2026-06-18T23:12:33","slug":"my-husband-and-i-are-both-saving-for-the-future-but-hes-obsessed-with-it","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/newsycanuse.com\/index.php\/2026\/06\/18\/my-husband-and-i-are-both-saving-for-the-future-but-hes-obsessed-with-it\/","title":{"rendered":"My Husband and I Are Both Saving for the Future. But He\u2019s Obsessed With It."},"content":{"rendered":"
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Pay Dirt<\/a><\/p>\n<\/header>\n

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\nPhoto illustration by Slate. Photo by Worawee Meepian\/iStock\/Getty Images Plus.\u00a0<\/span>
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Pay Dirt is Slate\u2019s money advice column.<\/em> Have a question? <\/em><\/strong>Send it to Kristin and Ilyce here<\/em><\/strong><\/a>. (It\u2019s anonymous!)<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

Dear Pay Dirt,<\/strong><\/p>\n

My husband and I are both in our mid-40s. We both started saving for retirement late, though for the past few years we have both maxed out our contributions. My husband is very forward focused and checks our retirement accounts everyday.<\/p>\n

Well, he checks his. He asks for me to give him my balance once a month. I get annoyed every time he asks. He meets with our financial advisor twice a year to talk about our investment strategy and really likes to tell me that when we are 70 we will have millions of dollars. I\u2019m glad he is thinking about this; I certainly don\u2019t have the foresight to plan for retirement beyond the automatic contributions.<\/p>\n

But I also don\u2019t really understand why he is so focused on these numbers. The market is going to go up and down so many times before we access that money. We are going to lose jobs and get sick and have to change our savings rates. And inflation is going to mean that whatever big number seems impressive now is going to be way less impressive in 30 years. Is it normal to be so obsessed with your retirement accounts? Or can I tell him I\u2019m sick of hearing about it?<\/p>\n

\u201430 Years Is Such a Long Time<\/p>\n

Dear 30 Years,<\/strong><\/p>\n

It\u2019s not weird for your husband to be focused on retirement, especially if you started late, but you have a point. Checking the account balances constantly and asking you for regular updates seems less like good financial habits and more like anxiety management. Watching your money grow over time can offer a sense of control over the chaos of life. Or maybe it just makes your husband feel good to know you\u2019re both on track for building a strong figure together.<\/p>\n

You\u2019re right, though, that the numbers are going to swing over the years, and really, the only thing you can control is making consistent contributions into the accounts, which you\u2019re already doing. There might not be much harm in your husband being focused on this, but if it\u2019s starting to irritate you, bring it up in a way that doesn\u2019t sound like harsh criticism. Something like, \u201cI appreciate that you\u2019re on top of the retirement planning, but the constant updating is stressing me out. I feel good about our automatic contributions and regular meetings with our advisor.\u201d<\/p>\n

If you\u2019re building a future together, I get why he might be focused on how your nest egg is growing, but that doesn\u2019t mean he gets to micromanage you. If the monthly updates irk you, find a compromise\u2014something that feels good for both of you, like checking in quarterly or every other month or just letting him know your balance without feeling like you need to \u201creport\u201d to him about it.<\/p>\n

Ultimately, it sounds like you\u2019re both on the same page about the future, just not about how much you\u2019re thinking about it in the present. A compromise on how often you check in on these accounts will help him feel good about reaching a goal without stressing you out in the process.<\/p>\n

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\n Please keep questions short (150 words), and don\u2018t submit the same question to multiple columns. We are unable to edit or remove questions after publication. Use pseudonyms to maintain anonymity. Your submission may be used in other Slate advice columns and may be edited for publication.\n <\/p>\n<\/div>\n

Dear Pay Dirt,<\/strong><\/p>\n

I\u2019ve always been the black sheep of the family\u2014a very well-off family. After living in my van for 13 years, I injured myself then got deathly ill. It took me five long years to recover. I am 73 and live on disability (SSI). I\u2019m invited to family functions, and everyone is loving. It costs me $20 to get there. During these parties they talk about their fishing trips to exotic places together, their worldwide travel. My kids are in Italy, and I can\u2019t afford to visit them. One is a chef and the other an artist, so they can\u2019t afford to fly me, either. My family gives more money to forests monthly than to me. I\u2019m struggling. I just went to a sister-in-law\u2019s birthday party. I made her jam. I came home and thought, \u201cShould I expect help\u201d? Or should I just forgive them, for they know not what they do?<\/p>\n

\u2014Black Sheep<\/p>\n

Dear Black Sheep,<\/strong><\/p>\n

Instead of expecting help, why not ask for it? Even though you\u2019ve been through a lot, there\u2019s a good chance your family might not know how different your financial situation is from theirs. Money has a way of blinding people to the challenges of others. When you don\u2019t have to worry about bills, you\u2019re less aware of how it might be top of mind for other people.<\/p>\n

Even if they are aware of how much money might be an issue for you, they might not be sure how to address it. They might not want to offend you. They might assume someone else is helping you. The point is, there are a lot of assumptions that could be cleared up with a little communication. Before you bring it up, though, I would get clear about what exactly you need help with\u2014a visit to your kids in Italy? Help with medical bills? Something else? Think about what it is you might want help with, and then find a way to ask. Maybe it could be a birthday present. Or a fundraiser of some kind.<\/p>\n

Then, approach your family with the ask in a way that\u2019s not accusatory. Something like, \u201cI\u2019m not sure if you all are aware, but since my injury money has been very tight for me. My birthday is coming up. It would mean the world to me to visit my kids in Italy, and I would be so grateful if the family could pitch in to help me with that.\u201d<\/p>\n

From there, see how they respond. They\u2019re entitled to be put off by it, but if they\u2019re supportive and loving like you say, chances are, they\u2019ll be willing to help. If not, they might have their reasons, and for your own sake, I would learn to make peace with it.<\/p>\n

If the bigger issue is not that you need their help but that you want to know they would help you if needed, that might be a different conversation\u2014one where you ask for reassurance rather than financial support. Either way, the key is to let go of the temptation to hold a grudge against the people you love. A little conversation can go a long way.<\/p>\n

\u2014Kristin<\/span><\/p>\n

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More Money Advice From Slate<\/p>\n<\/h3>\n

I\u2019ve been helping a family member sort through some big issues (substance abuse, etc.). He makes good money but wastes most of it\u2014he lives paycheck to paycheck and hasn\u2019t set aside anything for retirement, emergency savings, or basically anything else. Worse, in one of our recent conversations, he mentioned that he hasn\u2019t paid any taxes in about a decade<\/a>.<\/p>\n

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