{"id":880232,"date":"2025-12-24T00:21:57","date_gmt":"2025-12-24T06:21:57","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/newsycanuse.com\/index.php\/2025\/12\/24\/help-my-twin-swears-im-out-to-get-her-uh-all-i-did-was-deny-her-very-bizarre-demand-for-my-eggs\/"},"modified":"2025-12-24T00:21:57","modified_gmt":"2025-12-24T06:21:57","slug":"help-my-twin-swears-im-out-to-get-her-uh-all-i-did-was-deny-her-very-bizarre-demand-for-my-eggs","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/newsycanuse.com\/index.php\/2025\/12\/24\/help-my-twin-swears-im-out-to-get-her-uh-all-i-did-was-deny-her-very-bizarre-demand-for-my-eggs\/","title":{"rendered":"Help! My Twin Swears I\u2019m Out to Get Her. Uh, All I Did Was Deny Her Very Bizarre Demand for My Eggs."},"content":{"rendered":"
\n
\n

Dear Prudence<\/a><\/p>\n

Apparently, I\u2019m saying no out of \u201cspite.\u201d<\/h2>\n
\n


\n Advice by
\n
\n
\n Jen\u00e9e Desmond-Harris
\n <\/a><\/span>
\n <\/span>
\n <\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

\n Enter your email to receive alerts for this author.<\/b>\n <\/p>\n

\n Sign in<\/a> or create an account<\/a> to better manage your email preferences.\n <\/p>\n

<\/dialog><\/p>\n

<\/p>\n
\n

Unsubscribe from email alerts<\/h4>\n

\n Are you sure you want to unsubscribe from email alerts for Jen\u00e9e Desmond-Harris<\/b>?\n <\/p>\n<\/p><\/form>\n

<\/dialog><\/p>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

\n
\n

\"Photo\n <\/p>

\nA hand reaching down to grab at something.<\/span>
\n<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n<\/p><\/div>\n
\n
\n

Dear Prudence is Slate\u2019s advice column.\u00a0<\/em>Submit questions here.<\/em><\/strong><\/a>\u00a0(It\u2019s anonymous!)<\/em><\/p>\n

Dear Prudence,<\/strong><\/p>\n

My sister and I are identical twins, but we grew up terrorizing each other. I was the girly girl, while she was on her way to a PhD in preschool. I had a learning disorder, and my sister would constantly correct people and say she wasn\u2019t the \u201dstupid\u201d one\u2014I was.<\/p>\n

My sister started the college track in ninth grade while I went to a middling school. Our parents did their best to treat us equally and celebrate our accomplishments, but you really can\u2019t compare taking a beauty school test to getting a master\u2019s at 21. I will admit I gave as good as I could get. If my sister were the smart one, I was the pretty one, which was stupid, as we were identical twins. I want to say we settled down and grew up to be close, but that would be a lie.<\/p>\n

When I got married and was obsessed with all the details, our cousin jokingly called me a bridezilla, and my sister cut her off. She told her this was my big day, and it wasn\u2019t like I accomplished anything else worth noting. This wasn\u2019t the first or last time my sister said stuff like this. I have been married for 15 years and have two beautiful children. We used IVF and have a few embryos still left frozen.<\/p>\n

My husband and I were debating whether to have a third child when my sister bulldozed in. She was ready to be a mom, had everything planned out, saved, and sorted, except her eggs weren\u2019t viable. So the completely obvious solution was to give her our embryos!<\/p>\n

We refused, and my sister threw a fit. I was apparently stealing her only chance to be a mother, and worse, my parents are on her side. They think that giving her the embryos costs us \u201cnothing,\u201d and we already have children, so I was denying my sister out of pure spite. I don\u2019t know how I would feel if my sister bothered to ask rather than make a demand, but it was a demand and one that isn\u2019t happening. My problem is that I am very afraid it might permanently poison my relationship with my parents. We were supposed to travel to their place for Christmas, but after all this, I am afraid to. Help!<\/p>\n

\u2014Twin Trouble<\/p>\n

Dear Twin Trouble,<\/strong><\/p>\n

No, no, no. Absolutely not. You can\u2019t and shouldn\u2019t do this. Your already fragile relationship would crumble under the pressure of IVF and the emotional complications of her carrying your embryo to term.<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m not comfortable doing it,\u201d \u201cWe don\u2019t get along and worry it could turn very toxic,\u201d and \u201cI don\u2019t want to discuss this any longer\u201d are very real things to say to everyone in your family. But I get that your parents and sister aren\u2019t really responding to reason.<\/p>\n

If it\u2019s more important to you to maintain your relationship with them than to get them to respect who you are and the decisions you make, I suppose you could agree to donate your embryos and intentionally flub the required psych exam. \u201cMy family is pressuring me, and I\u2019m not comfortable with this\u201d along with some tears, if they are available to you, should do it.<\/p>\n

\n

Prudie Wants to Hear From You!<\/p>\n<\/h3>\n

Readers often have great suggestions for our letter writers, occasionally disagree with a point Prudie makes, or simply want to provide some additional advice. Each week, Prudie will be replying to some of these comments and suggestions from readers, which will be featured on the site on Fridays for\u00a0Slate Plus<\/a>\u00a0members.\u00a0Write to us!<\/a> Or submit a question here.<\/a><\/p>\n

Dear Prudence,<\/strong><\/p>\n

How do you tell someone you love that you want to break up? My girlfriend and I adore each other, and she is convinced that love can overcome all obstacles. There is a wide range of issues\u2014personal boundaries mostly\u2014however, that make living together untenable. After more than 20 years together, I want out, but I know that she will not accept that. Remaining isn\u2019t an option\u2014I am not safe\u2014and hurting her breaks my heart. What should I do?<\/p>\n

\u2014I\u2019m the Bad Guy<\/p>\n

Dear I\u2019m the Bad Guy,<\/strong><\/p>\n

There are a few different pieces to this.<\/p>\n

First, I\u2019ll give you my advice about how to move forward: After quietly making the necessary housing and financial preparations, tell your girlfriend that the relationship is over because it\u2019s not working for you. Remind yourself that her refusal to accept it is her business. She doesn\u2019t have to sign a permission slip to allow you to move out.<\/p>\n

Before you feel ready to do that, though, you\u2019ll have to emotionally prepare. Right now, taking an action that hurts your girlfriend feels impossible. But there are ways you might give yourself the comfort and courage you\u2019ll need to initiate this massive, emotional (and I\u2019m guessing totally out of character for you, when it comes to putting your own needs first) change. Try a pep rally with a couple of good friends. Go out for a meal, take a long walk, or have a Zoom call and explain to them that you want to end your relationship and you feel it\u2019s going to break your girlfriend\u2019s heart (and therefore your heart), so you need support. Tell them everything, especially what you\u2019ve left out here about whatever it is that is making you unsafe. Ask them to affirm that a breakup is the right choice and tell them what you\u2019ll need from them (Company? Daily check-ins? Help moving your stuff out?) when you finally do it. Hearing them say that any reasonable person would want out might give you back some of the confidence about the decision that your girlfriend will almost certainly try to undermine.<\/p>\n

Another part of getting your mind right could include writing a letter explaining your position and responding to anticipated counter-arguments, just so you know you\u2019ve said everything clearly. I often suggest holding onto the letter, but in this case, I think you should give it to her, so you can calm the part of your mind that worries she may not have the information she needs to understand where you\u2019re coming from.<\/p>\n

During or after this process, you\u2019re going to need even more support, not just from people who care about you but from people who get it\u2014and who might make you realize that you\u2019re not the only person who has dealt with loving someone who you know is bad for you. Many support groups for divorce are also open to members who have left long-term relationships. A therapist wouldn\u2019t hurt either. My hope is that the feedback you get will help you remodel that corner of your brain that says, \u201cMaybe it\u2019s more important for me to protect the feelings of a person who\u2019s hurting me than it is to protect my own feelings.\u201d It\u2019s incredibly important that you stop thinking that way before you start dating again. I don\u2019t want you to have to ever extract yourself from another relationship that\u2019s working great for someone else and terribly for you, wondering whether it\u2019s possible to get out.<\/span><\/p>\n

\n

More Advice From Slate<\/p>\n<\/h3>\n

My fianc\u00e9 and I live in a two-bedroom apartment. The second bedroom is our guest room\/home office. There is no laundry unit on site, so doing clothes means taking baskets to the laundromat across town and spending half the day there. I usually wait until we are at critical mass before doing so. Same thing for groceries since the only good grocery store is on the other side of town. Recently, my fianc\u00e9 was out of town when his mother and sister called me to say they were on their way to \u201csurprise\u201d us with a visit\u2026<\/a><\/p>\n

\n \n \n <\/svg><\/p>\n

Never miss new Slate Advice columns<\/h2>\n

Get the latest from Prudie and our columnists in your inbox each weekday, plus special bonus letters on Saturdays.<\/span>\n <\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n