{"id":880230,"date":"2025-12-24T00:21:58","date_gmt":"2025-12-24T06:21:58","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/newsycanuse.com\/index.php\/2025\/12\/24\/we-made-a-decision-about-housework-we-thought-was-best-for-the-whole-family-now-its-really-backfiring-for-our-kids\/"},"modified":"2025-12-24T00:21:58","modified_gmt":"2025-12-24T06:21:58","slug":"we-made-a-decision-about-housework-we-thought-was-best-for-the-whole-family-now-its-really-backfiring-for-our-kids","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/newsycanuse.com\/index.php\/2025\/12\/24\/we-made-a-decision-about-housework-we-thought-was-best-for-the-whole-family-now-its-really-backfiring-for-our-kids\/","title":{"rendered":"We Made a Decision About Housework We Thought Was Best for the Whole Family. Now It\u2019s Really Backfiring for Our Kids."},"content":{"rendered":"
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Care and Feeding<\/a><\/p>\n<\/header>\n

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Our advice columnists have heard it all over the years\u2014so today we\u2019re diving into the archives of Care and Feeding to share classic parenting letters with our readers. <\/em>Have a question for Care and Feeding? <\/strong>Submit it here<\/strong><\/a>.<\/strong><\/p>\n

Dear Care and Feeding,<\/strong><\/p>\n

My wife is a surgeon, and I work full-time outside the home (we\u2019re both women). Though we could financially make it work if I wanted to stay home full-time, I really enjoy my work, and we both thought it was important our three children see both moms as working adults. This arrangement only works because we outsource a lot of the domestic work around the house\u2014laundry, cleaning, yardwork, etc.\u2014to external folks. We do this so we can spend the little time we all have together bonding and having quality time, as opposed to doing domestic work. But there\u2019s been an unintended consequence.<\/p>\n

Here\u2019s the issue: My oldest son \u201cPaul\u201d (he\u2019s 12) has seen this arrangement his entire life, and believes it\u2019s completely normal for a maid to take care of all the housework. We messed up in not expecting him to make his bed or tidy his room\u2014we never really taught those skills, and haven\u2019t held him accountable. Most of his friends are far more adept at housework. I don\u2019t want him to grow up expecting someone else to do all the \u201cdirty work\u201d for him, be it a maid or his future spouse. At the same time, my wife and I are dreading the thought of spending limited family time on dragging a 12-year-old through chores. He\u2019s a good kid, but of course balks whenever we ask him to do work that we\u2019ve never expected or asked of him before. Have we permanently created a non-self-sufficient kid? Is there a (relatively) painless way for us to turn this around?<\/p>\n

\u2014Moms in Massachusetts<\/p>\n

Dear Moms,<\/strong><\/p>\n

I don\u2019t think this need be permanent, and it\u2019s really good that you\u2019ve now realized it\u2019s an issue, because you have time to course-correct. You\u00a0are\u00a0<\/em>going to have to give Paul chores and then deal with whatever his reaction is, but such is life and parenting! That doesn\u2019t mean you need to \u201cdrag\u201d him through endless hours of housework\u2014as in most cases, there is middle ground. Just pick one or two basic cleaning skills to focus on at a time, and build on that.<\/p>\n

I\u2019d probably start with having him make his bed and keep his room picked up, because it\u2019s his space and it makes sense for him to learn to be responsible for it. When we\u2019ve periodically hired cleaners to come in and help or do a deep clean, we have always kept to the rule that all the rooms need to be picked up\u00a0before<\/em>\u00a0the housecleaners come in to dust and vacuum\u2014it is not their job to pick our stuff up off the floor. Then continue by choosing one skill at a time to teach: setting the table. Loading and unloading the dishwasher. Vacuuming the rugs. Dusting a room. Doing a load of laundry. Cleaning the bathroom. Learning to cook a simple meal. Mowing the lawn or raking leaves, if applicable. Etc. You want him to learn all of it eventually, but of course he can\u2019t be expected to learn everything at once.<\/p>\n

Obviously, you\u2019re not going to make\u00a0all<\/em>\u00a0of these tasks Paul\u2019s responsibility; he should have a few chores at a time (for example: keeping his room reasonably picked up, doing his laundry weekly or biweekly, and loading the dishwasher after dinner). You can switch these out for other skills once he\u2019s acquired more. And there\u2019s no need to single him out\u2014now that you\u2019ve noticed this pattern with him, you can work on\u00a0not<\/em>\u00a0perpetuating it with your other kids. Start teaching your two younger ones household chores as soon as they\u2019re capable of learning, and give all your kids regular responsibilities based on what feels reasonable to you.<\/p>\n

I think you can be clear with your children about\u00a0why\u00a0<\/em>they need to have these practical life skills: It\u2019s for their own good! Unless you are planning on paying for their future service professionals, they probably will need to do all these things for themselves one day. As you said, you don\u2019t want them expecting other people, in particular future roommates or partners, to clean up their messes and do all the domestic labor unaided. Additionally, I think it\u2019s OK to help them understand how fortunate they are, and that most people can\u2019t afford domestic help at all (personally, I know my children love it when I remind them that I had to wash all the family dishes without a dishwasher). You don\u2019t need to try to make them feel guilty, of course, but a little reality\/privilege check might help counter whatever unexamined feelings of entitlement have built up over the years.<\/p>\n

\u2014Nicole Chung<\/p>\n

From: <\/em>We\u2019ve Never Asked Our Tween to Do Chores. Is It Too Late to Start?<\/em><\/a> (July 7th, 2021.)<\/em><\/p>\n

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\n Please keep questions short (150 words), and don\u2018t submit the same question to multiple columns. We are unable to edit or remove questions after publication. Use pseudonyms to maintain anonymity. Your submission may be used in other Slate advice columns and may be edited for publication.\n <\/p>\n<\/div>\n

Dear Care and Feeding,<\/strong><\/p>\n

In March I got married for the first time and became a stepmom to a 13-year-old boy and a 10-year-old girl. I do not have any children of my own, but these kids are mine now. My challenge is with the 13-year-old. He is age-appropriate in every way\u2014all he wants to do is sleep and play video games. I worry about how much is too much. My husband and I were going to impose some pretty strict digital media rules, but my sister, who has raised three very good boys, talked me out of them, because playing games and sleeping in is normal for a boy his age. So I have decided that during school, as long as his homework is done and he goes to bed on time, there are no restrictions. (We do make him do one \u201cactive\u201d thing after school each week: tennis or baseball depending on the season, which he hates but he does it.) On weekends I let him play and sleep pretty much as he wants to, unless we have a family activity the next day\u2014then the gaming needs to go off by 11:15 p.m. My worry is about the long breaks and summer. I don\u2019t think it is healthy for him to stay up till 4 in the morning playing games and then sleeping until 4 in the afternoon.<\/p>\n

But 13 is hard. He is not a kid anymore, but he isn\u2019t old enough to work. He is not motivated by money, so he is not hustling to mow lawns, walk dogs, or anything. No matter what I make him do, he is going to hate it. But I cannot just let him do whatever he wants. We have him every other week, and he says his mom lets him sleep and play whenever he wants. That\u2019s her prerogative in her home, but I cannot do that. It will drive me mad if he retreats in his room all day, sleeping and playing video games. When I met him, he was a sweet kid who didn\u2019t mind being around us, but now he is a surly teen who can\u2019t stand to do anything. Even getting him to do the expected chores is like pulling teeth. I am not sure what are reasonable rules and expectations for this young teen. Do you have any guidance?<\/p>\n

\u2014Congratulations, It\u2019s a Boy and He\u2019s 13!<\/p>\n

Dear Congrats,<\/strong><\/p>\n

This is both super hard and super normal. As you say, it is entirely age-appropriate for a 13-year-old to want to behave like this all the time. It\u2019s also entirely appropriate for a parent to intervene to stop it. Ideally, you will land somewhere in the middle.<\/p>\n

At the very minimum, this kid should be doing chores in a specific and timely fashion, so this is a situation where a little bit of work upfront will pay dividends later. You should make a very clear set of chores and be specific about when they are to be done and what \u201cdone\u201d looks like. So rather than\u00a0take out trash<\/em>\u00a0it should be\u00a0take out trash, recycling, and compost by 8 p.m. every Monday, Thursday, and Saturday<\/em>, or whatever.\u00a0We covered some good chores in a post here.<\/a><\/p>\n

I tend to think that behavior management can be imagined on two axes: intrinsic to extrinsic motivation along one axis, and positive to negative motivation along the other. The trick is knowing where to situate your intervention given the circumstances. Your kid does not have intrinsic motivation to do chores, and positive motivation (\u201cIf you do this, you\u2019ll reap financial rewards\u201d) isn\u2019t working. So, were I in your shoes, I would lean toward negative, extrinsic motivation. Namely: If you don\u2019t do these chores, you lose the screens. Period. You\u2019d have to think through the details and loopholes a kid is likely to exploit, so I might put a chart on the wall and declare that there must be a 100 percent completion rate for the week. Otherwise, the screens are gone. Then, if he makes it through the next week, he gets them back. You could also do this on a daily rather than weekly basis.<\/p>\n

Maybe, if there\u2019s a lot of backlash, you can set it up as a monthlong policy that expires after four weeks but can be reinstated if there is trouble. Running a household is a bit like governing a country, and nowadays kids can benefit from some examples of seeing it done well. (No shade.) (Who am I kidding? Shade.)<\/p>\n

I want to acknowledge that I offer this advice with absolutely no idea how your stepparenting thing is going otherwise. It\u2019s hard enough to lay down the law as a lifelong parent; it\u2019s even harder to do so if you\u2019ve only been in the kid\u2019s life for a few years. So it might be prudent to make your husband take the lead on this particular strategy. But either way, the point is that while you\u2019ll never get him to spend all of his free time working around the house and volunteering at the animal shelter, you also can\u2019t leave him entirely to his own incredibly young and immature devices. You have to begin pulling him toward the middle. Good luck.<\/p>\n

\u2014Carvell Wallace<\/p>\n

From: <\/em>A Mom With an Asterisk<\/em><\/a>. (Jan. 16th, 2019)<\/em><\/p>\n

Dear Care and Feeding,<\/strong><\/p>\n

We are very fortunate to have three sets of grandparents that are all loving, kind, and very involved in our 6-month-old daughter\u2019s life. My parents are divorced and both remarried, so we have some \u201cstep-grandparents\u201d in the mix. Everyone gets along, and while my in-laws live far away, they visit often and get weekly updates on the baby.<\/p>\n

The problem is my father\u2019s wife. My dad got remarried when I was in my early 20s (I\u2019m in my early 30s now), so while I\u2019ve known his wife for a long time, she was not involved in raising me. She\u2019s very sweet but she has a major problem with anxiety. EVERYTHING is stressful, she constantly worries about anything that could possibly go wrong, and she seems to be one step away from a nervous breakdown at all times.<\/p>\n

For example, we have a sweet dog and she won\u2019t come over because she\u2019s afraid the dog might jump on her while she\u2019s holding the baby and she could then drop her. This means anytime she wants to see our daughter\u2014and I do try to balance getting everyone equal time because I don\u2019t want any hurt feelings\u2014I have to drive an hour each way to go to her house. Last time we were over, she wouldn\u2019t let my daughter play with anything that had touched the floor because of germs, even though I told her we weren\u2019t overly concerned about normal exposure and we had also put a clean blanket down.<\/p>\n

Normal play such as holding her up to pretend-airplane, blow raspberries on her stomach, or sit on dad\u2019s shoulders is met with gasps and clutching of the sofa arms. She makes me and my husband feel on edge during every visit, and we leave feeling exhausted and burnt out managing her anxiety.
I know babies are little sponges, and I really don\u2019t want our daughter picking up this constant stress or mimicking any of these behaviors. Can I say anything to my dad or his wife? Do I just limit contact? What do I say when they ask why we can\u2019t come over?<\/p>\n

\u2014Just Trying to Stay Calm<\/p>\n

Dear JTtSC,<\/strong><\/p>\n

I deeply relate to this!\u00a0People who freak out about every little thing are a real trigger for my own impatience. \u201cWHY CAN\u2019T EVERYBODY JUST BE F*&KING CHILL?!!!\u201d I yell inside my head like a very cool and normal and chill dude.<\/p>\n

It is, of course, maddening. Having a baby is stressful enough without someone clutching their pearls at every turn and making us feel like we, as new parents, are lacking the proper vigilance.<\/p>\n

I have two pieces of good news for you. No. 1 is that you don\u2019t have to deal with this on the regular, just as a part of these (thankfully) rare visits. This means that for the vast majority of the year, you can raspberry your child and toss her into the heavens until your heart is content. The other piece of good news is that this is not your problem. It belongs squarely to your dad\u2019s wife. You are under no obligation to take on another person\u2019s worry if you, yourself are not worried. I realize that\u2019s easier said than done, but it\u2019s kind of like the first rule of healthy boundaries: If you are unbothered, be unbothered and don\u2019t let the bothered bother you.<\/p>\n

So what would happen if you didn\u2019t burn yourself out \u201cmanaging her anxiety\u201d? What if you didn\u2019t manage it at all? There is no more direct path to unnecessary suffering than trying to manage the irrational feelings of another person, and it feels to me like you are borrowing trouble here. Let her panic and clutch. Let her moan and gnash her teeth. You are parenting just fine and if she can\u2019t see that, then that\u2019s on her.<\/p>\n

I would recommend talking to your dad and seeing what he has to offer on the situation, though I suspect it won\u2019t be much. Secondly, I call for keeping a healthy distance between her and your parenting by letting the visits be as infrequent as you can get away with. And when you finally do visit, practice the sentence, \u201cI know this bothers you, but we\u2019re fine with it\u201d\u2014over and over again until it sticks. Good\u00a0luck.<\/p>\n

\u2014C.W.<\/p>\n

From: <\/em>My Stepmother Is a Nervous Wreck Around My Baby<\/em><\/a>. (January 30th, 2019).<\/em><\/p>\n

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Classic Prudie<\/p>\n<\/h3>\n

My boyfriend of two years\u00a0says that he will\u00a0not ask me to marry him unless I take a lie detector test\u00a0to pinpoint the truth about certain things that have gone on in our relationship. I have been faithful and honest to him throughout the time we have been dating, with the exception of getting caught in some white lies about things that occurred before we were together. He says that if\u00a0I have lied about little things, then I could lie about big\u00a0things, and\u00a0he needs to know he can trust me. <\/a><\/p>\n

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