{"id":599127,"date":"2023-01-19T04:58:00","date_gmt":"2023-01-19T10:58:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/news.sellorbuyhomefast.com\/index.php\/2023\/01\/19\/uh-my-daughter-just-got-animal-control-called-to-her-school\/"},"modified":"2023-01-19T04:58:00","modified_gmt":"2023-01-19T10:58:00","slug":"uh-my-daughter-just-got-animal-control-called-to-her-school","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/newsycanuse.com\/index.php\/2023\/01\/19\/uh-my-daughter-just-got-animal-control-called-to-her-school\/","title":{"rendered":"Uh, My Daughter Just Got Animal Control Called to Her School"},"content":{"rendered":"
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Care and Feeding<\/a><\/p>\n

How did this wild encounter even happen?<\/h2>\n<\/header>\n
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\nPhoto illustration by Slate. Photos by Image Source\/Photodisc and KenCanning\/iStock\/Getty Images Plus.<\/span>
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Care and Feeding is Slate\u2019s parenting advice column. <\/em>Have a question for Care and Feeding? <\/em><\/strong>Submit it here<\/em><\/strong><\/a>.<\/em><\/p>\n

Dear How to Do It,<\/strong><\/p>\n

I have a 7-year old-daughter, \u201cKayla.\u201d We live in a rural area, and our local school is bordered on three ends with empty fields. Kids can often see wildlife on the other side of the fence, and are regularly told not to interact with the wild animals without adult supervision. This is not a lesson Kayla has heeded. Apparently, there was a weak point in the fence and a coyote managed to slip in and explore the recess yard. Kayla\u2019s known about it for almost a month, frequently taking portions of her lunch to feed the \u201coutdoor doggy\u201d during her recess. Nobody noticed until yesterday, when the coyote in question, probably hoping for more treats, followed her inside when she went back to class, causing chaos and requiring animal control to be called to take it away.<\/p>\n

I\u2019m very worried about my daughter. Poor judgment I can expect from a child her age, and I can handle teaching her to be more cautious around wild animals. But this went on for about a month and nobody seemed to have noticed. I don\u2019t trust the school\u2019s ability to supervise her anymore, but we live in the middle of nowhere and it\u2019s not like there\u2019s another school I can send her to. Short of moving (which is not really financially feasible), I don\u2019t know how to get her to a new school, so I\u2019m going to have to do something to fix this one. How do you get a school to start taking their student\u2019s safety seriously?<\/p>\n

\u2014 Worried and Angry<\/p>\n

Dear Worried,<\/strong><\/p>\n

At first, I wondered if this really happened, given that coyotes generally avoid humans when possible. But according to the Humane Society<\/a>, \u201coutdoor doggies\u201d can occasionally become habituated to people through exactly the kind of feeding Kayla undertook, so there you go! Your daughter should definitely be told that the \u201cdon\u2019t feed or approach the animals\u201d rule isn\u2019t just for her safety; it\u2019s for the animals\u2019 as well. You can talk with her about the fact that the coyote must have been scared to be chased, captured, and taken away. (It may also have been destroyed, but I don\u2019t think you need to tell her that.) At 7, she\u2019s old enough to learn this lesson\u2014for her good and the good of the creatures\u2014and hopefully she has! If you still have concerns, it\u2019s fine to ask for a meeting with the principal or vice-principal to ask what specific plans they\u2019ve put in place to ensure that there is no repeat of the coyote incident, with Kayla or any other student. At many schools, there are just one or two adults keeping an eye on several classes\u2019 worth of kids at recess; given the amount of wildlife living just beyond the fence, perhaps more recess aides are warranted at your school. (And obviously, they need to fix that fence!)<\/p>\n

I understand that your faith in your school has been a bit shaken. But remember, your child\u00a0spends most of her day in the classroom with her teacher, beyond the reach of any wild animals. While I agree that someone should have spotted her feeding the \u201coutdoor doggy\u201d long before it followed her inside, this strikes me as a truly wild one-off situation, and one that doesn\u2019t necessarily point to a lack of safety or supervision throughout the entire school day.<\/p>\n

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New Year, Same Problems<\/strong><\/p>\n<\/h4>\n

For an upcoming special edition of Care and Feeding, we want to hear about the messy situations plaguing you that you\u2019d like to shed in the new year. A pet fox corrupting daughter?<\/a> <\/strong>A 10-year-old behind the wheel?<\/a> Harsh PTA crackdowns?<\/a> Submit your questions anonymously here.<\/em><\/a> (Questions may be edited for publication.)<\/em><\/p>\n

Dear Care and Feeding,<\/strong><\/p>\n

After years of being very late to hit her developmental milestones, our 3-year-old niece \u201cSarah\u201d underwent genetic testing. It was discovered that she had a chromosome microdeletion. It\u2019s rare, and the small bit of information we\u2019ve been able to find about it states that symptoms vary greatly between individuals who have it. Their geneticist recommended that Sarah\u2019s parents be tested, and it was found that Sarah\u2019s dad also had this microdeletion. (Sarah\u2019s dad is my husband\u2019s brother.)<\/p>\n

In the year since Sarah was diagnosed, my mother-in-law has encouraged everyone in the family to be tested for this deletion. It was determined that my father-in-law and my husband\u2019s two siblings both have it as well. My mother-in-law has seemed to seize upon this deletion as the reason for every problem any of her children have had (\u201cThat\u2019s why John didn\u2019t potty-train until he was 5,\u201d and \u201cThat\u2019s the reason Jane had to take resource classes in elementary school\u201d).<\/p>\n

My MIL is encouraging my husband, who hasn\u2019t been tested yet, to be tested for this chromosome deletion. If he has it, she wants our children to be tested. My husband has been ambivalent about being tested, mostly because the insurance doesn\u2019t cover it, and he doesn\u2019t want to pay for an expensive genetic test out of pocket. Now my MIL is pressuring me to just get the kids tested, and I\u2019d like a second opinion on how important this really is. Our kids haven\u2019t had any issues hitting their developmental milestones or shown any atypical behaviors, and besides, there\u2019s no specific treatment or medication for this particular syndrome. What are your thoughts?<\/p>\n

\u2014 To Test or Not to Test<\/p>\n

Dear To Test or Not to Test,<\/strong><\/p>\n

Ideally, both parents would be in agreement about the importance of genetic testing for their children. You said your husband is ambivalent about being tested himself\u2014I\u2019m not sure how he feels about testing your kids\u2014but if he isn\u2019t on board, that\u2019s something to pay attention to. Your children are not currently experiencing any symptoms or delays you feel a need to investigate. Of course, that doesn\u2019t mean genetic testing would never <\/em>be worthwhile for some other reason, but right now it doesn\u2019t seem pressing, despite your niece\u2019s diagnosis. If I were you, I\u2019d ask your mother-in-law to back off and respect your prerogative and ability as parents to decide (phrased more gently, if you like). She seems to be dealing with her feelings or anxiety over your niece\u2019s situation by fixating on this one piece of genetic information, but she doesn\u2019t have the right to pressure or force everyone else in the family to undergo genetic testing\u2014it\u2019s a major decision that could have ramifications for a lifetime.<\/p>\n

When I discussed your situation with Shelley Towner, a pediatric genetic counselor, she said, \u201cThe first thing that comes to mind is autonomy, which is one of the first principles of medicine. By testing children who don\u2019t currently have any medical or developmental concerns to address, we\u2019re making a decision that should be theirs to make in the future, if they want to\u2014and it\u2019s a decision that could have a serious impact on their self-esteem, their understanding of themselves, their future life.\u201d She made an important point about genetic discrimination: While a federal law\u2014the Genetic Information Nondiscrimination Act, passed in 2008\u2014protects people from discrimination based on genetic information with regard to employment and medical coverage, that protection does not extend to life insurance, disability insurance, or long-term care. In other words, a life insurance company could one day ask your children if they\u2019ve ever had genetic testing done (legally, your children would need to disclose it if so), and the company would then be allowed to use that information to make decisions about coverage.<\/p>\n

She also said that genetic testing can be difficult from a psychological standpoint; it can be confusing or cause real anxiety for children. And it burdens parents with difficult decisions: When do you tell your children about their results? What do you tell them, especially if there are currently no symptoms to tie it to? When it comes to testing, she noted that some people believe knowledge is power, and it can be\u2014but others really don\u2019t want to know every single detail about their genetic risk, and seeking out or accepting that knowledge is their decision to make. (As an adoptee, I\u2019ve often been asked if I want to undergo genetic testing. Personally, as an anxious person, I do not, unless one day I find that I have a strong medical reason to do so.)<\/p>\n

\u201cTypically, genetic testing in children is not recommended unless they have symptoms, or their routine care or screening recommendations would change based on testing positive for something,\u201d the genetic counselor explained to me. \u201cThere are <\/em>certain microdeletion syndromes that can be associated with a risk of thyroid disease, or a heart defect, for example. But we also remind parents that you can screen for these things without doing genetic testing\u2014you can schedule an echocardiogram, or test for thyroid conditions. Unless genetic testing would reveal something that might impact their medical management as a child, we generally don\u2019t test children; we try to defer until age 18.\u201d<\/p>\n

Genetic testing is not something your husband should be pushed into by his mother, and it\u2019s not a decision you need to make for your kids right this moment. Remember that part of protecting your children is respecting and guarding their ability to make their own informed decisions when they reach adulthood. Especially given the absence of any symptoms or delays, I think it\u2019s okay to wait\u2014give them time to mature, and all of you time to consider and learn more about genetic testing. One day your children (and your husband) can decide for themselves whether it will supply information they actually want.<\/p>\n

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Slate Plus Members\u00a0Get More Advice<\/a>\u00a0From Nicole Each Week<\/p>\n<\/h4>\n

From this week\u2019s letter,\u00a0<\/em>I Think Refusing to Let My Child Join the Gifted Program at School Has Backfired. Big Time<\/em><\/strong><\/a>:<\/em> \u201cHow can we balance what\u2019s good for our individual daughter, even if it\u2019s not something we believe in?\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

Dear Care and Feeding,<\/strong><\/p>\n

I have a 16-year-old trans son who came out in 2019. Even after four years, my parents are still unable (unwilling?) to get his pronouns right all of the time. As recently as a year ago, my mother was taking a picture of him and me and said, \u201cSmile, girls!\u201d It immediately ruined the lunch we were at. My son got angry and stormed out of the restaurant. I explained the problem to my mother\u2014again\u2014and left with him.<\/p>\n

When my child first came out, we all struggled with switching his name and pronouns, but four years in, it appears to me and to my child as if my parents don\u2019t accept him, despite their protests that they do. My parents are in their late 70s, and in pretty good health. They do not have memory issues, so their excuses are flimsy, at best. They often apologize for misgendering him and for using his deadname, which happened as recently as this past summer. They also make excuses\u2014they are old and forgetful, they knew him as someone else for 11 years, they just got excited in the moment.<\/p>\n

My son has decided he wants to have no contact with them. After seeing how badly it hurts him when they \u201cforget,\u201d I don\u2019t blame him, and I have said that he does not have to keep a relationship with them. He has decided to cut them out of his life. I am unsure what to do about my own relationship with them, however. My son says I can stay in touch with them, and my decision to maintain a relationship with them won\u2019t bother him. I\u2019m not sure I believe him, and in any case, I\u2019m not sure how to conduct a relationship with them when one of my children doesn\u2019t want them in his life. Do we stop visiting them at their house (they live about two hours away)? When they travel to the city we live in, should just my husband and I meet them for lunch or something? I don\u2019t want to be estranged from my parents, but I also cannot abide them misgendering my child.<\/p>\n

Of my other two children, my eldest also isn\u2019t happy with their grandparents, and didn\u2019t see them on their last birthday. They told my parents they were busy with friends (they are 18 now, so this is hardly surprising). They confided to me that they don\u2019t like the way my parents treat their brother, and will probably keep their distance in the future. My youngest child is 12, and while he\u2019s aware of the issues, hasn\u2019t decided to change his relationship with my parents.<\/p>\n

My husband says he\u2019s not sure how this situation gets fixed\u2014and I\u2019m not sure it does get fixed. My parents are the only people in our lives who regularly screw this up. They don\u2019t have an excuse. I have told them the margin of error on this is zero. I absolutely hate that they are hurting my son. Keeping them out of my children\u2019s lives seems cruel, but so does their behavior.<\/p>\n

Cutting them completely out of my life would be difficult. I could probably arrange to see and stay in contact with them, but likely holidays would be completely disrupted because I don\u2019t want to bring my son around them, knowing that he will be hurt. Family gatherings, of which there are many, may be out of the question for the foreseeable future. Should I just make a clean break from them, and tell them why? I can\u2019t keep giving them chances, and I am not sure how to move forward with my relationship with them.<\/p>\n

\u2014 Impact Is More Important Than Intent<\/p>\n

Dear Impact Is More Important,<\/strong><\/p>\n

I don\u2019t blame your two older children for being done. Four years is far too long for your son to have endured this treatment from his grandparents. Yes, they\u2019re your parents, but you\u2019re also a parent, and your kids come first. You wrote that \u201cKeeping [your parents] out of [your] children\u2019s lives seems cruel,\u201d and I want to point out that is not what you\u2019re doing\u2014your two older children are now 16 and 18, old enough to make their own decisions about family relationships and who they want to be close to, and they\u2019ve had enough. But your parents are the ones who really chose this outcome, by refusing\u2014for years!\u2014to fully accept and appreciate and love your son, despite the many explanations and warnings and chances they were given. They are now facing the unfortunate (overdue) consequences of their choices, which does not in any way make them victims.<\/p>\n

You said that your son has now essentially given you \u201cpermission\u201d to maintain a relationship with them, but apart from the fact that you are unsure whether he means it, I don\u2019t think it\u2019s realistic or fair to expect a child who\u2019s been hurt to help define a boundary between you and the people who hurt him\u2014it\u2019s hard enough that he had to draw that line for himself. Absent some serious reflection, sincere remorse, and real atonement, I don\u2019t think I could ever again trust or feel close to parents who treated my child this way. But you\u2019re the only one who knows what it would cost you to remain in touch with yours, drift apart, or break ties. How you proceed is something you will eventually need to decide for yourself, obviously with your son\u2019s well-being top of mind.<\/p>\n

I understand that you\u2019re not sure how to have a relationship with your parents, or what that relationship would even look like, given the pain they\u2019ve caused your son and your entire family. But I would also argue that figuring out what you\u2019re going to do about them doesn\u2019t need to be a top priority at the moment. Your priority is your son: What does he want and need from you in terms of support? How is your parents\u2019 behavior and the resulting rift in your family affecting your other children? You said your husband isn\u2019t sure this situation can be repaired\u2014how does he feel about maintaining a relationship with your parents, considering the ways in which they\u2019ve hurt your children? Two of your kids are still dealing with the fallout, and have only recently made the decision to cut off their grandparents. I don\u2019t think you need to rush into a firm decision about your relationship with your parents, or try to set parameters or conditions for remaining in touch with them, when you still aren\u2019t sure what would be the best (or least harmful) choice for your family. If your parents ask what you\u2019re going to do or when they\u2019re going to see you, it\u2019s okay to tell them the truth: You don\u2019t know. You don\u2019t know about future holidays. You don\u2019t know about future visits. Right now, you are taking the time to focus on your son and your family, to listen and do what\u2019s necessary where they are concerned, and to make sure that they are okay.<\/p>\n

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Catch Up on Care and Feeding<\/strong><\/p>\n<\/h4>\n

\u00b7\u00a0If you missed Wednesday\u2019s column,\u00a0<\/em>read it here<\/em><\/a>.<\/em>
\u00b7\u00a0Discuss this column in the\u00a0<\/em>Slate Parenting Facebook group<\/em><\/a>!<\/em><\/p>\n

Dear Care and Feeding,<\/strong><\/p>\n

I have three kids, ages 6, 9, and 11. My husband started out with the idea that each kid should have at least two extracurricular activities, one creative (like piano or art class) and one physical (like soccer or ballet). The kids are required to have at least two activities, but they can choose what they want to do, within our budget. The older kids have more activities than that.<\/p>\n

While this seems like a good idea on paper, it\u2019s a lot of work to coordinate, and it\u2019s started to feel like a lot for our family to handle. I\u2019m trying to juggle three different schedules and drop-off\/pick-up times. My husband and I used to take turns driving the kids to their activities, but lately he has been conveniently finding himself unable to drive. We split driving duty on the weekends, but on weekdays it\u2019s all on me. We have tried carpooling with other families, which only really works for my oldest kid, whose best friend is our neighbor and signed up for most of his extracurricular activities. Our house is out of the way in a secluded neighborhood without that many families, and it\u2019s been difficult to coordinate. We have also tried finding activities that are closer to our house, but the options are limited. One of the activities for the youngest requires parents to be there for the whole time\u2014it\u2019s only 30 minutes, but that\u2019s time I could use to drive my oldest home from piano.<\/p>\n

I want my kids to be able to participate in activities that they enjoy and activities which give them community and the ability to grow into well-rounded people, but I don\u2019t want to be constantly stressed out and overwhelmed. My husband is not very understanding or supportive, and it feels like I\u2019m the only one trying to make this work. I\u2019m starting to resent him for not taking on more, and I don\u2019t want our relationship to suffer. I\u2019ve tried to talk to him about it and he shuts me down, telling me that after a long day of work with his 30-minute commute the last thing he wants to do is drive even more. He\u2019s told me I can\u2019t comment on this, because I\u2019ve been primarily working from home since our oldest was 3.<\/p>\n

\u2014 Overwhelmed Mom<\/p>\n

Dear Overwhelmed,<\/strong><\/p>\n

I find your husband\u2019s extracurricular-activity requirements kinda weird and controlling, but to focus on the problem you wrote in about: Of course you can\u2019t get three kids off to (and home from) several activities each week all by yourself! Working from home does not give you the magical ability to be in three different places at once. Either your spouse (who, I have to be honest, sounds like he\u2019s really earning that resentment of yours) needs to take on his share of the driving again, or your children need to do fewer activities\u2014it\u2019s his choice. But if he chooses the latter, he\u2019s <\/em>the one who should have to tell them why they can\u2019t do all the activities they want to do.<\/p>\n

\u2014 Nicole<\/span><\/p>\n

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More Advice From Slate<\/strong><\/p>\n<\/h4>\n

My husband and I have 17-year-old identical twin sons, Joey and Nick, who are starting their senior year soon. Since they were little, they have stuck close together in school, and have always been best friends. Nick is a serious swimmer, and has been scouted for swimming at UCLA, which he plans to attend. Joey is now saying that he also wants to go to UCLA, but whenever he mentions it, Nick looks uncomfortable. I asked Nick how he feels about Joey\u2019s plan, and he says he doesn\u2019t want them to be near each other forever, but doesn\u2019t want to start a big fight so he\u2019s not saying anything. He asked me if I could drop hints to Joey that he doesn\u2019t like the idea or convince him to apply elsewhere\u2026<\/a><\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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