Help! My Twin Swears I’m Out to Get Her. Uh, All I Did Was Deny Her Very Bizarre Demand for My Eggs.

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Dear Prudence,

My sister and I are identical twins, but we grew up terrorizing each other. I was the girly girl, while she was on her way to a PhD in preschool. I had a learning disorder, and my sister would constantly correct people and say she wasn’t the ”stupid” one—I was.

My sister started the college track in ninth grade while I went to a middling school. Our parents did their best to treat us equally and celebrate our accomplishments, but you really can’t compare taking a beauty school test to getting a master’s at 21. I will admit I gave as good as I could get. If my sister were the smart one, I was the pretty one, which was stupid, as we were identical twins. I want to say we settled down and grew up to be close, but that would be a lie.

When I got married and was obsessed with all the details, our cousin jokingly called me a bridezilla, and my sister cut her off. She told her this was my big day, and it wasn’t like I accomplished anything else worth noting. This wasn’t the first or last time my sister said stuff like this. I have been married for 15 years and have two beautiful children. We used IVF and have a few embryos still left frozen.

My husband and I were debating whether to have a third child when my sister bulldozed in. She was ready to be a mom, had everything planned out, saved, and sorted, except her eggs weren’t viable. So the completely obvious solution was to give her our embryos!

We refused, and my sister threw a fit. I was apparently stealing her only chance to be a mother, and worse, my parents are on her side. They think that giving her the embryos costs us “nothing,” and we already have children, so I was denying my sister out of pure spite. I don’t know how I would feel if my sister bothered to ask rather than make a demand, but it was a demand and one that isn’t happening. My problem is that I am very afraid it might permanently poison my relationship with my parents. We were supposed to travel to their place for Christmas, but after all this, I am afraid to. Help!

—Twin Trouble

Dear Twin Trouble,

No, no, no. Absolutely not. You can’t and shouldn’t do this. Your already fragile relationship would crumble under the pressure of IVF and the emotional complications of her carrying your embryo to term.

“I’m not comfortable doing it,” “We don’t get along and worry it could turn very toxic,” and “I don’t want to discuss this any longer” are very real things to say to everyone in your family. But I get that your parents and sister aren’t really responding to reason.

If it’s more important to you to maintain your relationship with them than to get them to respect who you are and the decisions you make, I suppose you could agree to donate your embryos and intentionally flub the required psych exam. “My family is pressuring me, and I’m not comfortable with this” along with some tears, if they are available to you, should do it.

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Dear Prudence,

How do you tell someone you love that you want to break up? My girlfriend and I adore each other, and she is convinced that love can overcome all obstacles. There is a wide range of issues—personal boundaries mostly—however, that make living together untenable. After more than 20 years together, I want out, but I know that she will not accept that. Remaining isn’t an option—I am not safe—and hurting her breaks my heart. What should I do?

—I’m the Bad Guy

Dear I’m the Bad Guy,

There are a few different pieces to this.

First, I’ll give you my advice about how to move forward: After quietly making the necessary housing and financial preparations, tell your girlfriend that the relationship is over because it’s not working for you. Remind yourself that her refusal to accept it is her business. She doesn’t have to sign a permission slip to allow you to move out.

Before you feel ready to do that, though, you’ll have to emotionally prepare. Right now, taking an action that hurts your girlfriend feels impossible. But there are ways you might give yourself the comfort and courage you’ll need to initiate this massive, emotional (and I’m guessing totally out of character for you, when it comes to putting your own needs first) change. Try a pep rally with a couple of good friends. Go out for a meal, take a long walk, or have a Zoom call and explain to them that you want to end your relationship and you feel it’s going to break your girlfriend’s heart (and therefore your heart), so you need support. Tell them everything, especially what you’ve left out here about whatever it is that is making you unsafe. Ask them to affirm that a breakup is the right choice and tell them what you’ll need from them (Company? Daily check-ins? Help moving your stuff out?) when you finally do it. Hearing them say that any reasonable person would want out might give you back some of the confidence about the decision that your girlfriend will almost certainly try to undermine.

Another part of getting your mind right could include writing a letter explaining your position and responding to anticipated counter-arguments, just so you know you’ve said everything clearly. I often suggest holding onto the letter, but in this case, I think you should give it to her, so you can calm the part of your mind that worries she may not have the information she needs to understand where you’re coming from.

During or after this process, you’re going to need even more support, not just from people who care about you but from people who get it—and who might make you realize that you’re not the only person who has dealt with loving someone who you know is bad for you. Many support groups for divorce are also open to members who have left long-term relationships. A therapist wouldn’t hurt either. My hope is that the feedback you get will help you remodel that corner of your brain that says, “Maybe it’s more important for me to protect the feelings of a person who’s hurting me than it is to protect my own feelings.” It’s incredibly important that you stop thinking that way before you start dating again. I don’t want you to have to ever extract yourself from another relationship that’s working great for someone else and terribly for you, wondering whether it’s possible to get out.

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