SEX FILES: Bedroom double life: Why 75% of men keep their kinks secret

The first time a partner admitted their “kink” — that they enjoyed slow, sensual sex with plenty of eye contact — surprised and turned me on. After decades of dating men who bragged about their stamina and ever-readiness, as if they were precision-engineered machines rather than human beings, this kind of vulnerability felt rare and refreshing. However, this isn’t the case for everyone.

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Despite living in an era that champions sex positivity, a surprising number of men are still keeping their sexual desires hidden. Joi AI, the first AI-lationship platform, surveyed 2,000 men and found that vulnerability around intimacy remains deeply stigmatized, especially for men. More than half admit to faking what turns them on, while nearly one in three say they fear getting dumped for sharing a sexual kink.

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“Unfortunately, even in our modern society, men are still experiencing feelings of shame when attempting to be vulnerable, especially when it comes to intimacy and sex,” shares Jaime Bronstein, LCSW, a licensed relationship therapist and expert at Joi AI, over email. The emotional toll of conforming to outdated expectations is valid, forcing many men to suppress their most authentic desires.

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When asked why she thinks men feel the need to hide what turns them on — even in so-called sex-positive relationships, Bronstein says that sex positivity isn’t synonymous with emotional safety. “You can be with someone who is open-minded about toys and threesomes, but the moment you bring up something slightly different, something personal, vulnerable, or outside the masculine mold — you might notice a shift.”

Bronstein explains that this disconnect stems from intergenerational conditioning that tells men that they should want sex, but only specific kinds of sex that align with socially accepted narratives around masculinity. “And if they want anything less than aggressive, something gentle, slow, or expressive, that somehow makes them less of a man,” says Bronstein. She adds, “So even in modern relationships, there’s this subconscious fear that showing their whole sexual selves might make their lover turned off, get the “ick,” or, worse, leave.”

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If a man already has abandonment issues, risking this kind of rejection is enough to keep their desires under lock and key — even if it’s something as simple as “I love eye contact during sex.”

The survey found that 75% of men have kinks they don’t share with their partners. When asked how this impacts long-term relationships, Bronstein says, “Desire doesn’t just vanish when it’s ignored. It morphs. It can turn into resentment, disconnection, or a double life. When one partner is editing themselves in the bedroom for years, the relationship might still look stable, but emotionally, it’s thinning out.”

Not every kink or fantasy needs to be acted upon, but talking about them helps build intimacy, says Bronstein. “Without that space, a man might stop seeing his partner as someone he can fully trust or be seen by. And once you lose that, you’re not just missing out on sex — you’re missing out on closeness,” she says.

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That said, taking the first step to sharing authentic desires with a partner can feel incredibly scary. To help mitigate this, Bronstein suggests starting slow and easing into the conversation. “The goal isn’t to dump everything out at once — it’s to make curiosity a regular part of life.”

Bronstein encourages couples to ask open-ended questions after sex (“Was there anything you wished we’d done differently?”) and name their vulnerabilities first (“This is a little awkward to say, but I think I’ve been craving…”). Partners can also create a judgment-free ritual, like a monthly check-in, “where both people can share something they’re curious about with no expectation to act on it.” These check-ins allow people to test the waters and see how their significant other responds.

Lastly, Bronstein says it’s important to practice listening without reacting. “You don’t have to love or understand everything your partner says — but responding with, “Thanks for telling me,” instead of shock or laughter? That makes all the difference.”

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