We’ve all been through it. Telling a friend something they may not want to hear. Maybe a friend is dating someone who treats them poorly, or they did something that upset you. Or maybe it’s something smaller, like an outfit that just doesn’t fit. Should you be honest all the time, or are there times when brutal honesty is mean-spirited? It’s not always so easy to tell.
Brutal honesty prioritizes truth over the feelings and sensitivity of the person who may be on the receiving end of it, according to Sabrina Romanoff, a clinical psychologist in New York.
“It means being more rooted in sharing how you genuinely perceive a situation than being a caretaker to the person who may feel hurt by your message,” she says. “It’s honesty without tact, consideration, or discretion — as no editing or filters to soften the message are attached to it.”
Some of us dislike being brutally honest more than others because we just don’t know how the friend on the other end will receive the thoughts or advice that we’re providing. However, there are some benefits in doing so.
Read More: Healthy, High-Quality Relationships Matter More Than We Think
Brutal Honesty Is Good for Friendship
According to Mark Vernon, a psychotherapist, and author of The Meaning of Friendship, when deciding whether or not brutal honesty is beneficial for a friendship, you need to know whether you’re being honest with yourself at the same time as you’re being honest with your friend.
“Brutal honesty doesn’t work when you don’t like something in a friend, but really it’s your problem rather than their problem,” says Vernon.
For example, if your friend is dating someone who’s married, and you’re upset about it because you have some concern about a problem in your own marriage and you’re not honest about the fact that your own problem is what’s bothering you, then brutal honesty isn’t beneficial, says Vernon.
But if you’re truly concerned with your friend’s well-being and clear about your own motivation, then brutal honesty can be helpful to your friendship.
“The hope is that they’ll see that you’re concerned with them and that you don’t have mixed motives,” Vernon adds.
The Downside of Brutal Honesty
The bottom line, says Vernon, is that brutal honesty helps a friendship when your innermost motivation is concern for the person to whom the honesty is directed. If this isn’t the case, you need to take a closer look at why you’re being honest in the first place, says Vernon.
On the other hand, Romanoff contends that sometimes brutal honesty can be misinterpreted, and the person providing it risks being rejected for their opinions. The person being brutally honest should be prepared to be chastised for their thoughts.
“Brutally honest people tend to be judged as insensitive, arrogant, and in turn, may be avoided, leading to isolation and loneliness,” says Romanoff. “Many radically authentic and brutally honest people are misunderstood and are not universally liked.”
It’s the people who are the most skilled at concealing their opinions that tend to be the most well-liked by those around them. When you’re skilled at sugarcoating the truth, you’re more likely to keep people happy.
“This way of operating also hurts friendships because without a delicate balance between honesty and tact — relationships lack depth and closeness,” says Romanoff.
If you’re brutally honest with a friend and they know you’ve provided that honesty because you genuinely care about their wellbeing, that’s when a friendship can thrive. This is when your friend knows that you were willing to go through what can be an uncomfortable situation because you care about them.
Friendships are different than almost any other type of relationship because there’s nothing else keeping you together beyond the bond that you’ve built. In a romantic relationship, you might maintain the relationship because of your shared home or your children and with family because of your shared familial ties. But friendships are entirely chosen, and that’s why nurturing them and choosing the right course when it comes to honesty is so important.
Read More: The Key Ingredients to Healthy Romantic Relationships
Article Sources
Our writers at Discovermagazine.com use peer-reviewed studies and high-quality sources for our articles, and our editors review for scientific accuracy and editorial standards. Review the sources used below for this article:
Current Opinion in Psychology. When the truth helps and when it hurts: How honesty shapes well-being
Sara Novak is a science journalist based in South Carolina. In addition to writing for Discover, her work appears in Scientific American, Popular Science, New Scientist, Sierra Magazine, Astronomy Magazine, and many more. She graduated with a bachelor’s degree in Journalism from the Grady School of Journalism at the University of Georgia. She’s also a candidate for a master’s degree in science writing from Johns Hopkins University, (expected graduation 2023).
Qiana Schroeder
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