FIFA Halftime: Blink and You Missed Madonna, BTS, Justin Bieber, Shakira

The FIFA World Cup Final Halftime Show provided an answer to the burning question of how you fit Madonna, BTS, Justin Bieber, Shakira, Burna Boy, Gustavo Dudamel, Chris Martin and the Muppets into a single 11-minute segment: as fleetingly as possible.

Although there were reports that the halftime extravaganza would be allowed to go over the allotted 11 minutes, it indeed came in at just a few seconds over that mark, which meant that none of the superstars involved got more than about two minutes of time on the field… or mostly off it, in the case of Madonna.

The segment opened with an apparently pre-taped segment in which Madonna and passengers Ronaldinho and Ronaldo Nazário were carried along on a jeep through tunnels, apparently in the bowels of New York New Jersey Stadium — a journey that lasted long enough that it seemed in doubt whether she would ever make an appearance out on the field. She did, but by that time, her performance of “Music” was over, with nothing left to do in sight of the live fans but strike a pose before the action moved on to Dudamel and the Muppets.

The transition at the two-minute mark found the outgoing LA Phil conductor leading string sections from New York and Venezuela in supporting a Muppet band’s rendition of the White Stripes’ “Seven Nation Army.” The next minute was given over to leaving viewers wondering why puppets rather than Jack White himself were squeezed into the mega-medley to deliver the biggest riff in rock or sportsdom, before BTS took over at the three-minute point.

The K-pop superstars got in a minute and 40 seconds’ worth of “Dynamite,” complete with some altered football lyrics, before they were succeeded by an unbilled appearance by Jason Sudeikis, briefly reprising his role as Ted Lasso. His entree into the World Cup: coaching Justin Bieber, just he went onto the field with an acoustic guitar to sing a fully solo rendition of “Everything Hallelujah,” from his “Swag II” album, sans a band (or laptop).

Who would be “headliner” in this lineup? Not surprisingly, it was Shakira, joined by Burna Boy, singing “Dai Dai,” the FIFA anthem that has “Here in this place you belong” as its brotherhood-of-men-and-feet sentiment. Then, with a minute and a half to go, it was back to the Muppets, now joined by the Webby Award-winning PS22 Chorus and one much taller fellow in the chorus line, Chris Martin, who’d curated the halftime. “We believe in love,” they sang, a sentiment that came in second here only to a belief in brevity, with a more-is-better approach to making the final’s historic first halftime show as much of a cluster-FIFA as possible.

Earlier in the day, there was no hurry at all when Post Malone got to sing not just one but three numbers during the opening ceremony — including a partial version of “Chrome Heartbreaker,” teasing his upcoming, long-delayed “Eternal Buzz” album. Also getting an unusual amount of time, at least compared to the halftime superstars, was streamer/influencer-turned-singer ISHowSpeed, reprising his 2022 World Cup anthem, the prosaically titled “World Cup.”

Jennifer Hudson delivered the U.S. national anthem, giving the day its most honest jolt of genuine, un-lip-synched lung power. Robbie Williams, Nicole Scherzinger and Laura Pausini teamed up for another official FIFA theme song, “Desire,” which included Williams singing the line “Love is the law,” a directive that will no doubt hold true unless the president makes a call to get it overturned.