My Husband and I Are Both Saving for the Future. But He’s Obsessed With It.

Pay Dirt is Slate’s money advice column. Have a question? Send it to Kristin and Ilyce here. (It’s anonymous!)

Dear Pay Dirt,

My husband and I are both in our mid-40s. We both started saving for retirement late, though for the past few years we have both maxed out our contributions. My husband is very forward focused and checks our retirement accounts everyday.

Well, he checks his. He asks for me to give him my balance once a month. I get annoyed every time he asks. He meets with our financial advisor twice a year to talk about our investment strategy and really likes to tell me that when we are 70 we will have millions of dollars. I’m glad he is thinking about this; I certainly don’t have the foresight to plan for retirement beyond the automatic contributions.

But I also don’t really understand why he is so focused on these numbers. The market is going to go up and down so many times before we access that money. We are going to lose jobs and get sick and have to change our savings rates. And inflation is going to mean that whatever big number seems impressive now is going to be way less impressive in 30 years. Is it normal to be so obsessed with your retirement accounts? Or can I tell him I’m sick of hearing about it?

—30 Years Is Such a Long Time

Dear 30 Years,

It’s not weird for your husband to be focused on retirement, especially if you started late, but you have a point. Checking the account balances constantly and asking you for regular updates seems less like good financial habits and more like anxiety management. Watching your money grow over time can offer a sense of control over the chaos of life. Or maybe it just makes your husband feel good to know you’re both on track for building a strong figure together.

You’re right, though, that the numbers are going to swing over the years, and really, the only thing you can control is making consistent contributions into the accounts, which you’re already doing. There might not be much harm in your husband being focused on this, but if it’s starting to irritate you, bring it up in a way that doesn’t sound like harsh criticism. Something like, “I appreciate that you’re on top of the retirement planning, but the constant updating is stressing me out. I feel good about our automatic contributions and regular meetings with our advisor.”

If you’re building a future together, I get why he might be focused on how your nest egg is growing, but that doesn’t mean he gets to micromanage you. If the monthly updates irk you, find a compromise—something that feels good for both of you, like checking in quarterly or every other month or just letting him know your balance without feeling like you need to “report” to him about it.

Ultimately, it sounds like you’re both on the same page about the future, just not about how much you’re thinking about it in the present. A compromise on how often you check in on these accounts will help him feel good about reaching a goal without stressing you out in the process.

Dear Pay Dirt,

I’ve always been the black sheep of the family—a very well-off family. After living in my van for 13 years, I injured myself then got deathly ill. It took me five long years to recover. I am 73 and live on disability (SSI). I’m invited to family functions, and everyone is loving. It costs me $20 to get there. During these parties they talk about their fishing trips to exotic places together, their worldwide travel. My kids are in Italy, and I can’t afford to visit them. One is a chef and the other an artist, so they can’t afford to fly me, either. My family gives more money to forests monthly than to me. I’m struggling. I just went to a sister-in-law’s birthday party. I made her jam. I came home and thought, “Should I expect help”? Or should I just forgive them, for they know not what they do?

—Black Sheep

Dear Black Sheep,

Instead of expecting help, why not ask for it? Even though you’ve been through a lot, there’s a good chance your family might not know how different your financial situation is from theirs. Money has a way of blinding people to the challenges of others. When you don’t have to worry about bills, you’re less aware of how it might be top of mind for other people.

Even if they are aware of how much money might be an issue for you, they might not be sure how to address it. They might not want to offend you. They might assume someone else is helping you. The point is, there are a lot of assumptions that could be cleared up with a little communication. Before you bring it up, though, I would get clear about what exactly you need help with—a visit to your kids in Italy? Help with medical bills? Something else? Think about what it is you might want help with, and then find a way to ask. Maybe it could be a birthday present. Or a fundraiser of some kind.

Then, approach your family with the ask in a way that’s not accusatory. Something like, “I’m not sure if you all are aware, but since my injury money has been very tight for me. My birthday is coming up. It would mean the world to me to visit my kids in Italy, and I would be so grateful if the family could pitch in to help me with that.”

From there, see how they respond. They’re entitled to be put off by it, but if they’re supportive and loving like you say, chances are, they’ll be willing to help. If not, they might have their reasons, and for your own sake, I would learn to make peace with it.

If the bigger issue is not that you need their help but that you want to know they would help you if needed, that might be a different conversation—one where you ask for reassurance rather than financial support. Either way, the key is to let go of the temptation to hold a grudge against the people you love. A little conversation can go a long way.

—Kristin

More Money Advice From Slate

I’ve been helping a family member sort through some big issues (substance abuse, etc.). He makes good money but wastes most of it—he lives paycheck to paycheck and hasn’t set aside anything for retirement, emergency savings, or basically anything else. Worse, in one of our recent conversations, he mentioned that he hasn’t paid any taxes in about a decade.